As a therapist, I am dedicated to constantly working on my own mental wellbeing. This includes seeing a therapist regularly. I’ve been in therapy for 13+ years and still learn something new in almost every session, whether about myself or just a new way of thinking/doing. I thought sharing some of these tidbits could benefit someone else as much as they have benefited me.

This last week I talked with my therapist about effective communication, specifically with spouses/people we’re very close to. I’ve noticed some trends in my communication and tend to avoid convos I know will ruffle feathers or will cause a certain reaction (bonus: this is toeing the line of codependent behavior).

Communication is a tool that we can use to grow our relationships and make them better. Without good communication, relationships can quickly crumble and cause resentment, anger, + feeling hopeless. So it’s important to have some solid “rules” in place, especially for hard convos. These rules should be established and agreed upon welllllllllll in advance of the actual conversation. Here they are:

1. Stay calm. If you or the other person start to get angry or upset and communication is getting messy, take a time out. 
2. Ask questions. Questions are everything! The art of confrontation is asking the right question. Accusations get you no where. Example questions include: how do you think it makes me feel when…. I wonder why you would do this when…. I’m curious as to what you think about….
3. Use “I” statements. This one is tricky. This isn’t “I feel you suck” lolzzzz. It’s about YOU. “When you do XYZ, it makes me feel like I’m not a good enough mom.” “I feel like we haven’t been on the same page lately, and I feel like this mostly shows up when you have a bad day at work. How do you feel?” 
4. EMPATHY. Showing empathy will get you *so far.* this doesn’t mean you agree or are okay with something. It means you are capable of seeing the other persons side. “I can see how that would make you feel…” 

If any of these rules are broken during a convo, take a step back and try again later. It’s that easy, and it’s that hard 

What do you do for more effective communication?